Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Grace
What does grace mean to you? It has so many meanings to me. Selfishly, when I hear the word spoken aloud, my heart skips a beat. I feel a flutter inside me, I can even smell a long ago scent. Grace was the middle name of our daughter, our third born child. Our perfect little girl, that was called home at less than six months of age. Grace is also a gift, given to us, not earned, and not deserved. Grace is something I did not believe in. Forgiveness, the promise of a life after this, those were fairy tales to me. That was until I was blessed to carry an Angel in my arms, to have her leave this world, and move on to the next when I was still imagining a lifetime of memories, a future never to be lived.
Four years ago I got up and got ready for a dentist appointment. I had just returned home from a trip to California, and the kids and baby were happily sleeping away. I struggled with whether or not to get the baby up. I should feed her and changer her before I go, I thought. In the end, I let her sleep, I didn't want to ruin the wonderful sleepy morning my family was having. I would only be gone an hour, James could handle it. It would be fine. I left the house to the sounds of Maddison's snoring on the baby monitor.
Whoever said hindsight is 20/20 is wrong. You may think it is all so clear looking back on it. But it is impossible to see the past that way. The past, like the future, is a mixed path of decisions blending into each other, and combined with God's will. I have struggled for years, and I am sure I will still struggle with why I did not get my daughter up that day. In the end, I don't believe it would have changed a thing.
Maddison came into this world, but she wasn't meant to stay. She has taught different things to different people, and through my experience I have learned a lifetime of things.
My heart breaks as I think of the saddest day of my life, but I know it was the beginning for her of an eternity of perfection. Thanks to Maddison Grace, for you brought me to the road, thanks to those that walk the road with me, and thank you God for the Grace that has been given to me, a chance to not only have Grace in this life, but eternity with my child in the next.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Visit from the DH
DH is home! He is home, thank you Jesus he is home!!! DH came home last Wednesday, and we still have a full solid week left with him before he heads back north to finish out his season. For all of those wondering, it is not weird for me to have him home. It is not the same as the days as when I am alone, because I have an awesome DH. It isn't weird, because with him home things are normal. I know he has trouble adjusting to the noise, and being around so many people, but for me and the littles, this is the most normal we have felt since probably May.
We didn't plan much for his trip home so that he didn't go back to work exhausted. The one big mistake I did make was to spend more than a little time talking about health insurance. This got me all worked up and in a mood. Why?! The biggest challenge in my life is worrying about tomorrow. I have been working on this in my life for years now, and it can still be one of my biggest faults. It dawned on me while doing my house-wifely things this evening that we have prayed to be exactly where we are. We have prayed specifically, asked for guidance, as well as strength, and for God to open the doors that led to His will and what was best for our family. After all of that praying, I should have more faith that God will pull us through something as minor as health insurance. No I don't think God is personally going to sit down and figure out my, and America's, health coverage crisis. But He will be here with us as we find what we need for our family. With our youngest and the things he will need in the next years of his life, this is a big thing in our family. Its huge. Yet, I know that we will be provided with everything that we need.
I am looking forward to spending this week with DH and trying not to waste precious time with worrying about things. Real time with him here would be better spent on a date, or a visit to the school to watch our daughter's play. A trip into the woods to pick our Christmas tree, Thanksgiving dinner, decorating our home for Christmas, and possibly a little shopping ;) These are the things that will fill our week. Memories, not worries.
Now to find a sticky note to plaster to my forehead to remind myself not to worry....
Have a great night all...
We didn't plan much for his trip home so that he didn't go back to work exhausted. The one big mistake I did make was to spend more than a little time talking about health insurance. This got me all worked up and in a mood. Why?! The biggest challenge in my life is worrying about tomorrow. I have been working on this in my life for years now, and it can still be one of my biggest faults. It dawned on me while doing my house-wifely things this evening that we have prayed to be exactly where we are. We have prayed specifically, asked for guidance, as well as strength, and for God to open the doors that led to His will and what was best for our family. After all of that praying, I should have more faith that God will pull us through something as minor as health insurance. No I don't think God is personally going to sit down and figure out my, and America's, health coverage crisis. But He will be here with us as we find what we need for our family. With our youngest and the things he will need in the next years of his life, this is a big thing in our family. Its huge. Yet, I know that we will be provided with everything that we need.
I am looking forward to spending this week with DH and trying not to waste precious time with worrying about things. Real time with him here would be better spent on a date, or a visit to the school to watch our daughter's play. A trip into the woods to pick our Christmas tree, Thanksgiving dinner, decorating our home for Christmas, and possibly a little shopping ;) These are the things that will fill our week. Memories, not worries.
Now to find a sticky note to plaster to my forehead to remind myself not to worry....
Have a great night all...
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Just a little ramble
How do we do it, why do we do it? I only understand a little bit, and I am doing it.
Two hearts so far away, still beating the same beat,
two souls singing the same song.
We are still together on this road we travel along.
Every week, somebody says to me, how do you do it? My answer varies day by day, depending on how much energy I have left after I have given so much. The honest answer... I trust. I trust my husband to do what is best for his family. I trust in the relationship we have built, and at times rebuilt. I trust that my love for him will never fade, never again falter, never. I trust in the plan God has for our lives. I trust in the plan He has for our children's lives as well.
I believe in a life that is better than our past. A life that is still full of obstacles, but really we faced the toughest already. I believe in a life of hope, and strength. I believe in building a future for our children and not living only in this moment. I believe that sharing our story is something we must do. Sharing the hardships, the blessings, the trials, and the triumphs. I believe in growing as a person and as a wife, and how do you grow without challenges?
Right now, people see the physical distance between my husband and I. They may judge, and they may question, but the reality is our relationship is not built on the physical. We can be strong together, we can be weak together. I miss him dearly, I pray for his safety and comfort daily, and that God will bring him home to us safely. With each trip my love only grows for this man.
How do we do it? We get up each morning, we do the things that need to be done, and the things we have been called to do. We don't spend too much time questioning it, we embrace it, and allow our relationship to mature in ways others may never experience.
I love you my DH, SO, my love, my honey.
-
-Tara
Monday, September 2, 2013
Just a quick note
Summer was Awesome! I know, it is hard to imagine an awesome summer when your SO is so far away, but it was simply Awesome. The littles and I visited Alaska for the first time, and we simply loved it! There were trips to the parks, swimming, the ocean, new friends, and of course Daddy time! We miss him so much, but we are back home now, and determined to keep pluggin along.
This week is Bubby's check up with the cardiologist. His weight is doing well for now, and hopefully we will know soon when the surgery will be. This is just a check up to see if he is better, worse, or the same. There is very little chance that the hole is smaller, but a girl can pray, right? The Lord has blessed us so much with Bubby, I know there is a hedge of protection around him. I thank all of those prayer warriors out there that continue to pray for him and my family, as at times my own faith seems not to be strong enough. At this appointment the Cardiologist will put in the request for the surgery, and then we will wait to hear from Seattle Children's for the date.
I don't have anything poetic or profound for you all today, just that quick end of summer update. I will have pictures of our Alaskan Adventure up soon, as well as some posts that I have been working on about friendship, as well as connecting with your kids.
OH, and thanks to all of my followers! I know you all have not clicked the "follow" button, but I hear from so many of you via email, text, or other facets. I appreciate all of the support you give my family!
This week is Bubby's check up with the cardiologist. His weight is doing well for now, and hopefully we will know soon when the surgery will be. This is just a check up to see if he is better, worse, or the same. There is very little chance that the hole is smaller, but a girl can pray, right? The Lord has blessed us so much with Bubby, I know there is a hedge of protection around him. I thank all of those prayer warriors out there that continue to pray for him and my family, as at times my own faith seems not to be strong enough. At this appointment the Cardiologist will put in the request for the surgery, and then we will wait to hear from Seattle Children's for the date.
I don't have anything poetic or profound for you all today, just that quick end of summer update. I will have pictures of our Alaskan Adventure up soon, as well as some posts that I have been working on about friendship, as well as connecting with your kids.
OH, and thanks to all of my followers! I know you all have not clicked the "follow" button, but I hear from so many of you via email, text, or other facets. I appreciate all of the support you give my family!
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Learning new things everyday
You should learn something new every day. Today was a road trip with MIL, and I learned that we can eat like big girls, and I sigh too much! I have no clue if she reads this blog, but I want to say thanks for coming with me today. Really, thanks for all of the things that you do. Folks should really learn to love their SO's family more. My MIL is the only mom I have now, and has been so helpful over the years. I can't imagine my life in Montana without her support.
Enough of beating around the bush; today was the baby's appointment with the cardiologist... We discovered last month that the baby has an ASD like his sisters. I was told by my family doctor that it would need to be surgically repaired. When we arrived it seemed as though we were there as a formality. Our doctor came in and visited with us while his nurse was still doing the intake. He even mentioned the glorious words that "this guy's hole may clear up on its own..." Another thing I have learned is not to gallop away into the sunset on the pitter patter of your own heart when you hear something exciting. Even metaphorical horses will buck you off now and again. After some adventurous imaging, we had a clearer picture of the baby's heart. (anytime a seven month old must lay still be prepared for an adventure of sorts) The original estimate was that the hole was 6-8mm, many women wear stud earrings bigger than this, so it was not too alarming. The mommy tiger inside of me was on alert, because I was not shocked to learn that the hole was actually about 14mm. This accounts for 80% of the lenght of the wall between these two chambers.
another thing I learned today, this type of hole can not be repaired with a catheter if there is not enough tissue left around the hole. Such as is the case with the baby. Bringing us to the learning that the baby's heart cannot be fixed without open heart surgery. (insert pout here)
Folks, I am fully aware that many people have this condition and it goes undiscovered and untreated for many years, well into adulthood. I am also aware that these people are typically not symptomatic. Without symptoms of heart failure, and when a hole is not very large, doctors will not operate in the hopes the hole will eventually close on its own. We were told today that this will not happen with the baby. The hole is far too large.
For now, we wait. we will see the cardiologist again in September at which point the surgery will be presented to the folks at Seattle Children's hospital and scheduled through them. We are watching the baby's weight very closely right now as well. Prayers for him to thrive and gain apporopraite amounts of weight will be appreciated. After a couple of months of relaxing about his weight, he has slowed down and that is the big symptom to watch for that relates to his heart. He is developmentally thriving far beyond our expectations, so I continue to pray that his body stays well nourished and thriving as well.
Did you know that having three out of four children with an ASD is pretty unheard of? I thought so too, heart issues aren't that common I didn't think. That was not the shocking part. Our oldest son has to be checked now as well. Normally this sort of thing is random. One child wil be born with it while the rest are fine. Having three with the condition is less likely than having all four with the condition. How backwards is that?
It is the end of a very long day, and I am feeling deflated. Things I know: -Nothing I did or could have done caused this or could have prevented this from happening (short of not having children at all). -My baby will need surgery, but we don't know when. -My oldest is a rockstar; either for being the miracle child with no holey heart, or for being so very healthy and slipping under the tiger radar of his mother. -Applebees Cowboy burger is delicous even if it does have bacon on it. It is all just news to me... I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse, I just know more this evening than I did this morning. Not a bit of the day went as I had planned, but at the end of the day none of the plans seem that important. Wishing you all a peaceful night in homes filled with love and hearts filled with joy.
Enough of beating around the bush; today was the baby's appointment with the cardiologist... We discovered last month that the baby has an ASD like his sisters. I was told by my family doctor that it would need to be surgically repaired. When we arrived it seemed as though we were there as a formality. Our doctor came in and visited with us while his nurse was still doing the intake. He even mentioned the glorious words that "this guy's hole may clear up on its own..." Another thing I have learned is not to gallop away into the sunset on the pitter patter of your own heart when you hear something exciting. Even metaphorical horses will buck you off now and again. After some adventurous imaging, we had a clearer picture of the baby's heart. (anytime a seven month old must lay still be prepared for an adventure of sorts) The original estimate was that the hole was 6-8mm, many women wear stud earrings bigger than this, so it was not too alarming. The mommy tiger inside of me was on alert, because I was not shocked to learn that the hole was actually about 14mm. This accounts for 80% of the lenght of the wall between these two chambers.
another thing I learned today, this type of hole can not be repaired with a catheter if there is not enough tissue left around the hole. Such as is the case with the baby. Bringing us to the learning that the baby's heart cannot be fixed without open heart surgery. (insert pout here)
Folks, I am fully aware that many people have this condition and it goes undiscovered and untreated for many years, well into adulthood. I am also aware that these people are typically not symptomatic. Without symptoms of heart failure, and when a hole is not very large, doctors will not operate in the hopes the hole will eventually close on its own. We were told today that this will not happen with the baby. The hole is far too large.
For now, we wait. we will see the cardiologist again in September at which point the surgery will be presented to the folks at Seattle Children's hospital and scheduled through them. We are watching the baby's weight very closely right now as well. Prayers for him to thrive and gain apporopraite amounts of weight will be appreciated. After a couple of months of relaxing about his weight, he has slowed down and that is the big symptom to watch for that relates to his heart. He is developmentally thriving far beyond our expectations, so I continue to pray that his body stays well nourished and thriving as well.
Did you know that having three out of four children with an ASD is pretty unheard of? I thought so too, heart issues aren't that common I didn't think. That was not the shocking part. Our oldest son has to be checked now as well. Normally this sort of thing is random. One child wil be born with it while the rest are fine. Having three with the condition is less likely than having all four with the condition. How backwards is that?
It is the end of a very long day, and I am feeling deflated. Things I know: -Nothing I did or could have done caused this or could have prevented this from happening (short of not having children at all). -My baby will need surgery, but we don't know when. -My oldest is a rockstar; either for being the miracle child with no holey heart, or for being so very healthy and slipping under the tiger radar of his mother. -Applebees Cowboy burger is delicous even if it does have bacon on it. It is all just news to me... I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse, I just know more this evening than I did this morning. Not a bit of the day went as I had planned, but at the end of the day none of the plans seem that important. Wishing you all a peaceful night in homes filled with love and hearts filled with joy.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
The sound of love
Two weeks can be very long when you are waiting for something. Two weeks goes by so quickly once it comes though. Papa Bear is headed back to Alaska right now, and I am back home with the crazy bears. With him being gone so much this year, I have learned some new things about relationships, or at least about mine, and thought I would share.
The most important thing I have learned over the last couple of years is His love language, and how to speak it, not just to understand it. If your SO has the language of touch, that doesn't mean just to let them touch you! As a person that does not like personal contact much, this was a difficult challenge for me, but I believe after this last visit that I have gotten fairly fluent in this language. Communicating in the language of touch simply means to reach out and actually touch the other person. It can be as simple as hand holding or a back scratch. One of my past complaints was of feeling smothered by my So, but by learning His language and speaking it to him I have come to enjoy His presence in my personal bubble It also has made it to where he does not have to always be so "touchy" which is helps keep me from feeling smothered.
Number two; let your man lead, but don't force him. Let your husband lead your family. This is a role he was designed by God to fill. I understand that the world has molded some (most) men into men that don't know how to lead, or are so noncommittal that they will only lead in circles before they stall out. If this is the case for you ladies, don't get pushy!!! That completely undermines the role he has to take in life. If it is vacation time and you are searching for places to go or do, ask him what he would like. Ask him what he likes for dinner. Ask him what he would like to watch on T.V. The little decisions might make him feel more like the leading man in life, without the pressure they feel from making more important decisions. That being said, don't expect any man to have an opinion about Everything in life, or even one opinion a day. If you want their opinion on what to do for a holiday, and they don't have one, then make a plan. I did this on the 4th. My SO was very loose about who he wanted to see or what he wanted to do for the day. He didn't want a lot of fuss, but wanted to have fun and see some people. I finally said how about this... It was a mash up of activities without being overbearing. We had an amazing day without a fight about why he couldn't make up his mind, or why I had to be such a control freak. We had fun, we got stuff done, we were a happy family.
Thirdly; appreciate your man for what he is. Period. End of Sentence. Many women bring up the past too often, or talk about how much better it will be in the future. Take a minute to reflect on the awesomeness of the man God has put into your life. My SO is a hard worker, a wonderful provider.... so many things. I appreciate that. I appreciate that he makes sacrifices for our family without complaint, and almost always without a big flashy reward. I don't tell him often enough how much I appreciate him, but I have learned to tone down criticisms and comparisons.
Laugh and smile. Forever is a long time, you may as well have fun with your partner. Don't be afraid to be silly or carefree in front of him. One of my favorite things in life, easily a top five on the indulgence list, is to make my SO smile. There are days that I have to get Jim Carey styled funny to accomplish this, but man is it worth it. I love being silly with him, I even believe that the moments I have spent just having fun with my SO has made my love for him stronger.
Lastly; I know I am wrong. I know there is no psychological background for this bumble of words I have typed out, I know that much of it isn't biblical. Coming off of two weeks with the man of my life, and uncertain of the date when I will see him next, I can see the things that are most important. It doesn't matter to him that the house wasn't clean, or that my hair style isn't trendy. We have learned the things that are important to each other, and we actively engage in those ways every chance we can. What is important to your SO? Are you making a habit of engaging in those important things, seeing him and hearing him in the way he is broadcasting to you?
Marriage is forever people. I understand there are marriages that have failed. I am not talking about those relationships. I am speaking about the one you are in right now. The vows that you spoke still have meaning. Forever. Till death do we part. The words are heavy for a meaning. No more romanticizing about life after divorce as Hollywood loves to do. Romanticize bout Real life! I apologize for the rambling. I know this was all very scattered, but it came from my heart. I am not even going to re-write it. This is how I would talk to my best friend, and his is how I am sharing this with the world.
I pray you all had a wonderful week, and look forward to blog babbling again soon.
The most important thing I have learned over the last couple of years is His love language, and how to speak it, not just to understand it. If your SO has the language of touch, that doesn't mean just to let them touch you! As a person that does not like personal contact much, this was a difficult challenge for me, but I believe after this last visit that I have gotten fairly fluent in this language. Communicating in the language of touch simply means to reach out and actually touch the other person. It can be as simple as hand holding or a back scratch. One of my past complaints was of feeling smothered by my So, but by learning His language and speaking it to him I have come to enjoy His presence in my personal bubble It also has made it to where he does not have to always be so "touchy" which is helps keep me from feeling smothered.
Number two; let your man lead, but don't force him. Let your husband lead your family. This is a role he was designed by God to fill. I understand that the world has molded some (most) men into men that don't know how to lead, or are so noncommittal that they will only lead in circles before they stall out. If this is the case for you ladies, don't get pushy!!! That completely undermines the role he has to take in life. If it is vacation time and you are searching for places to go or do, ask him what he would like. Ask him what he likes for dinner. Ask him what he would like to watch on T.V. The little decisions might make him feel more like the leading man in life, without the pressure they feel from making more important decisions. That being said, don't expect any man to have an opinion about Everything in life, or even one opinion a day. If you want their opinion on what to do for a holiday, and they don't have one, then make a plan. I did this on the 4th. My SO was very loose about who he wanted to see or what he wanted to do for the day. He didn't want a lot of fuss, but wanted to have fun and see some people. I finally said how about this... It was a mash up of activities without being overbearing. We had an amazing day without a fight about why he couldn't make up his mind, or why I had to be such a control freak. We had fun, we got stuff done, we were a happy family.
Thirdly; appreciate your man for what he is. Period. End of Sentence. Many women bring up the past too often, or talk about how much better it will be in the future. Take a minute to reflect on the awesomeness of the man God has put into your life. My SO is a hard worker, a wonderful provider.... so many things. I appreciate that. I appreciate that he makes sacrifices for our family without complaint, and almost always without a big flashy reward. I don't tell him often enough how much I appreciate him, but I have learned to tone down criticisms and comparisons.
Laugh and smile. Forever is a long time, you may as well have fun with your partner. Don't be afraid to be silly or carefree in front of him. One of my favorite things in life, easily a top five on the indulgence list, is to make my SO smile. There are days that I have to get Jim Carey styled funny to accomplish this, but man is it worth it. I love being silly with him, I even believe that the moments I have spent just having fun with my SO has made my love for him stronger.
Lastly; I know I am wrong. I know there is no psychological background for this bumble of words I have typed out, I know that much of it isn't biblical. Coming off of two weeks with the man of my life, and uncertain of the date when I will see him next, I can see the things that are most important. It doesn't matter to him that the house wasn't clean, or that my hair style isn't trendy. We have learned the things that are important to each other, and we actively engage in those ways every chance we can. What is important to your SO? Are you making a habit of engaging in those important things, seeing him and hearing him in the way he is broadcasting to you?
Marriage is forever people. I understand there are marriages that have failed. I am not talking about those relationships. I am speaking about the one you are in right now. The vows that you spoke still have meaning. Forever. Till death do we part. The words are heavy for a meaning. No more romanticizing about life after divorce as Hollywood loves to do. Romanticize bout Real life! I apologize for the rambling. I know this was all very scattered, but it came from my heart. I am not even going to re-write it. This is how I would talk to my best friend, and his is how I am sharing this with the world.
I pray you all had a wonderful week, and look forward to blog babbling again soon.
Monday, June 24, 2013
The months just fly by!
So it is way past due for an update on life! The man of our house has been out of state working still, but will be home for a few days next week!! The kids and I are super excited to see him. I knew this new job would be a tough adjustment for us all, but I didn't realize just how busy life would be with three kiddos all by myself!
The big kids are going to day camp this week for the first time ever. It was super cute to watch their different emotions play out. My daughter was so very excited, but did not understand the need for tennis shoes and jeans when she has so many dresses she could wear. My son got nervous and asked if he had to go if he didn't feel well. By the time I dropped them off I barely got a wave from one child, and the other ran off without any goodbye at all I love watching them grow up, but it always makes my heart twinge with a little weepiness too.
Our baby is thriving, growing so much, and has built up quite a bit of chub for one of my kids ha ha! We did find out last week that he has a hole in his heart, the same defect that both of our girls had. We were so sure that he was healthy, and I took the news pretty hard. Anxiety flooded over me quicker than I could handle.
As most times in life, the answers we need are found in the Bible. I am reading a number of different things right now to help me with my anxiety, and it is helping some. I am a bit of a control freak, and my toughest challenge has always been leaving things to God's control. Yes; I am fully aware that I have no real control over the universe, but I still strive to anyways. It is part of my flawed human nature. ;)
A couple of things I have learned in the past week. Even though my anxiety is justified; I don't have to give in to it. There is no point at all in giving in to the fears of what could happen when they haven't. Just the same as there is not point in celebrating a victory you have not achieved. I don't know yet how this will play out, and for now it is just news. We know the baby has a hole in his heart, and that it will almost definitely need surgery. We don't know if this is a blessing or a curse, it just is. I also read in the study part of my Bible about Anxiety. One word was used in the explanation that stuck out to me. Selfish. Yes, a lot of my worry as a mother is unselfish worry for my child. But how much is centered on me? How much of my worry will be simply wasted energy on self thought and not be productive at all? I need to divert my energy outward and upward. Energy spent this way is fruitful, and selfishly will ease my anxiety as well.
Wishing you all a blessed week; thank you all for the continued prayers for my family and I look forward to sharing some of my victories in the days, weeks and months to come!
Today's reading goal:
Psalms 2
1Peter 5
Matthew 4-7
The big kids are going to day camp this week for the first time ever. It was super cute to watch their different emotions play out. My daughter was so very excited, but did not understand the need for tennis shoes and jeans when she has so many dresses she could wear. My son got nervous and asked if he had to go if he didn't feel well. By the time I dropped them off I barely got a wave from one child, and the other ran off without any goodbye at all I love watching them grow up, but it always makes my heart twinge with a little weepiness too.
Our baby is thriving, growing so much, and has built up quite a bit of chub for one of my kids ha ha! We did find out last week that he has a hole in his heart, the same defect that both of our girls had. We were so sure that he was healthy, and I took the news pretty hard. Anxiety flooded over me quicker than I could handle.
As most times in life, the answers we need are found in the Bible. I am reading a number of different things right now to help me with my anxiety, and it is helping some. I am a bit of a control freak, and my toughest challenge has always been leaving things to God's control. Yes; I am fully aware that I have no real control over the universe, but I still strive to anyways. It is part of my flawed human nature. ;)
A couple of things I have learned in the past week. Even though my anxiety is justified; I don't have to give in to it. There is no point at all in giving in to the fears of what could happen when they haven't. Just the same as there is not point in celebrating a victory you have not achieved. I don't know yet how this will play out, and for now it is just news. We know the baby has a hole in his heart, and that it will almost definitely need surgery. We don't know if this is a blessing or a curse, it just is. I also read in the study part of my Bible about Anxiety. One word was used in the explanation that stuck out to me. Selfish. Yes, a lot of my worry as a mother is unselfish worry for my child. But how much is centered on me? How much of my worry will be simply wasted energy on self thought and not be productive at all? I need to divert my energy outward and upward. Energy spent this way is fruitful, and selfishly will ease my anxiety as well.
Wishing you all a blessed week; thank you all for the continued prayers for my family and I look forward to sharing some of my victories in the days, weeks and months to come!
Today's reading goal:
Psalms 2
1Peter 5
Matthew 4-7
Sunday, April 21, 2013
What sound does a rainbow make: Raising a baby after another was taken by SIDS
It is getting later in the evening, and the quiet is setting in. The dogs are cuddling up, while the frogs have not yet started their evening choir practice. We live in a quiet little town, so there is little traffic noise other than the blaring horn of the passing evening train. It is calm, it is peaceful, and yet my ears are straining to hear something. What sound could I possibly be listening so hard for? After a loud and crazy day alone with my children, you would think I would savor the silence. As a mom of an Angel, silence is also one of my biggest fears.
Amidst the peace and quiet that fills my home tonight, is also a feeling of dread. My son is five months old tomorrow, and is just beginning to sleep in his own room. I am frequently going into his room and checking him for signs of life. Is he breathing, does he feel cold? Will he be OK the next time I go to check on him? All of these questions run through my mind as I listen for that cherished breath, keep my ears tuned in for a whimper or rustle when I am out of the room.
This little rainbow child was brught into the world under less than ideal circumstances. He was born six weeks early due to my placenta tearing and having an "emergency c-section". He spent two weeks in the NICU and about a month on oxyen once we came home. Five months later, I am still listening, dreading the silence that comes with lifes biggest cruelties.
My daughter was one week shy of six months old when she passed, peacefully and quietly in her sleep. I remember it, I feel it as if it were yesterday. Today my life is crazy, it is noisy, it is many times simply chaos. Remembering my daughter in life, and not just in her death I realize something else. My rainbow child has so many other noisy blessings to bring into the life of my family. He coos and giggles, he cries like he has an hidden extra lung. He brings giggles and smiles to his big brother and sister, and puts a song in my heart.
The question was; what sound does a rainbow make? The answer is that he makes more sounds than colors in a rainbow. While I worry the days away, I also take time to truly cherish every moment of my children's lives in a way few other parents can.
Amidst the peace and quiet that fills my home tonight, is also a feeling of dread. My son is five months old tomorrow, and is just beginning to sleep in his own room. I am frequently going into his room and checking him for signs of life. Is he breathing, does he feel cold? Will he be OK the next time I go to check on him? All of these questions run through my mind as I listen for that cherished breath, keep my ears tuned in for a whimper or rustle when I am out of the room.
This little rainbow child was brught into the world under less than ideal circumstances. He was born six weeks early due to my placenta tearing and having an "emergency c-section". He spent two weeks in the NICU and about a month on oxyen once we came home. Five months later, I am still listening, dreading the silence that comes with lifes biggest cruelties.
My daughter was one week shy of six months old when she passed, peacefully and quietly in her sleep. I remember it, I feel it as if it were yesterday. Today my life is crazy, it is noisy, it is many times simply chaos. Remembering my daughter in life, and not just in her death I realize something else. My rainbow child has so many other noisy blessings to bring into the life of my family. He coos and giggles, he cries like he has an hidden extra lung. He brings giggles and smiles to his big brother and sister, and puts a song in my heart.
The question was; what sound does a rainbow make? The answer is that he makes more sounds than colors in a rainbow. While I worry the days away, I also take time to truly cherish every moment of my children's lives in a way few other parents can.
Monday, February 11, 2013
2013
Wow! I can't believe it is already February!!!! The kiddos are revving up for their valentine parties at school this week, and we are busy with tons more too!!! Practice began for Matthew's third year of wrestling, and he is pretty excited. Kenzie decided to take off from ballet and to do Zumba instead! That should be really fun, and besides with her fashion sense zumba really is a better fit for her ha ha!
William weighed in at nine pounds four ounces on Friday! We are off of bottles and oxygen at this point, so he is doing great!!! Well, he is doing as well as a vampire can :) He does not enjoy sleeping much after the sun goes down unless mommy sleeps with him.
My schoolwork is struggling this semester, but I am still pushing through. Makes me miss mom even more, since she always understood my unhappiness with bad grades. I can't believe she has been gone almost a year already. I think of all of the things she is missing with not just my part of the family, but the whole Canning bunch, and it just breaks my heart. I know that where she is now she is healthy and whole, and is watching her family grow and go through life. She's got Maddy by her side, with many others that have gone before her and since.
There are a lot of exciting things coming this way for my little family this year, but I will share them as they come. Life's too short to keep saying someday, we need to make it today. Get off the computer and do something!
xoxo
-Tara
William weighed in at nine pounds four ounces on Friday! We are off of bottles and oxygen at this point, so he is doing great!!! Well, he is doing as well as a vampire can :) He does not enjoy sleeping much after the sun goes down unless mommy sleeps with him.
My schoolwork is struggling this semester, but I am still pushing through. Makes me miss mom even more, since she always understood my unhappiness with bad grades. I can't believe she has been gone almost a year already. I think of all of the things she is missing with not just my part of the family, but the whole Canning bunch, and it just breaks my heart. I know that where she is now she is healthy and whole, and is watching her family grow and go through life. She's got Maddy by her side, with many others that have gone before her and since.
There are a lot of exciting things coming this way for my little family this year, but I will share them as they come. Life's too short to keep saying someday, we need to make it today. Get off the computer and do something!
xoxo
-Tara
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